The last episode I had before that one, I was over my best friends house sleeping on the coach except this time I remember why I screamed. I don't know what the dream was about but I do know that if I didn't scream I wouldn't get help. My brother was sleeping on the floor at the time and he said "I put the covers over my face like a little kid, peeping at the top of the covers." He thought I was possessed.
I remember my mom stating when I was younger that I used to cry in my crib for no reason. I'd cry historically like someone was hurting me. What does a baby dream about? What does a baby dream about to scream out loud?
Researching, I found there is disorder called Night Terrors. Its a disorder that allows your worst fear to come true. You'll sit up and scream thinking your awake but your not. When you finally awake, you don't remember or barely remember anything. What is my worst fear? Losing my son! It would make sense it happened then night it did, because that day I went to child support and settled for the amount of $323 a month. When I asked about custody they said I won't get it because I didn't marry her. The agent said he was 100% hers and I'd have to go to through a whole other process to gain some kind of custody. Whether or not I'd ever see him would be soley her decision. You would think paying child support would allow me some custody or at least visitation but not according to Georgia law. Thus, I signed a paper to a sort of devil's advocate program. Leaving the child support office, I felt like I lost him again. No matter how hard I try, or what I do I can't ever catch a break with him.
The conclusion was me texting his mother and telling her not to contact me any more because it seems like the more I'm there for her, the more I get into bad situations. She consantly puts me down and says mean things and lies about me to everyone in her life. I don't really care about that but I do care about is my son. The last time when we were together, he kept calling me Pedro which made me think she is telling him to along with saying other things that are not true. How am I suppost to be a father, when the mother hates me? Hates me so much, she wishes I was dead and tells my son to call me Pedro. Its because of this I made the decision to stay away from her and him. I can't ever get ahead if she's always calling me harrassing me about her problems and bills.
If you were to check phones, you would definitely see that she calls and text me first 95% of the time. I don't want to but in order for me to get where I want to be in life I'm going to have to pay this child support and leave her and him alone. It's hurting me and I know it hurts my son. My best friend, Reggie told me something I'd never forget, "I know you want to be in his life now, but he is going to need you more later on in life because everything is provided for him now".
I grew up with a father but he was a step-father who lived up to a step-father reputation. He was mean most of the time but he had his nice moments. In fact, I think Ill write a blog just for him. 2012 was one of my best years ever. Maybe 2013, is going to be the worst. Regardless I don't think it will be as good as the year 2012. There's nothing more I want than to be apart of my son's life but it looks like that thought will have to wait. I can't deal with her lies and deception anymore so my best bet is to just get ready for the future. Maybe my son will forgive me maybe he won't but I have more than enough proof to show him I tried. I never met my real father nor have ever seen him and I'd hate for him to go through that feeling.
I had a dream once that I lost my son playing with him outside sort of like the way Tom Cruise did in Minority Report. I woke up so scared I didn't scream because my stomach was stuck in like someone punched it. When I get really scared that's what happens to my body. My stomach caves in and I can barely talk. It's not to often I get scared but sometimes my dreams seem like virtual reality.
This year I don't know what to expect and my only option is to be ready for anything or anyone.
Sincerely,
Prinze Marrero
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