Yelling In My Sleep

  Sometimes I can remember and there are times when I cannot.  For the longest time I have always went to sleep two ways; thinking myself to sleep and stretching my legs out to sleep.  Last night, another episode happen to where I screamed in my dream. Edgar comes out the room in a panic, "Are you okay, you scared the Sh** out of me?"

  The last episode I had before that one, I was over my best friends house sleeping on the coach except this time I remember why I screamed.  I don't know what the dream was about but I do know that if I didn't scream I wouldn't get help.  My brother was sleeping on the floor at the time and he said "I put the covers over my face like a little kid, peeping at the top of the covers." He thought I was possessed.

  I remember my mom stating when I was younger that I used to cry in my crib for no reason.  I'd cry historically like someone was hurting me.  What does a baby dream about? What does a baby dream about to scream out loud?


  Researching, I found there is disorder called Night Terrors. Its a disorder that allows your worst fear to come true.  You'll sit up and scream thinking your awake but your not. When you finally awake, you don't remember or barely remember anything.  What is my worst fear?  Losing my son!  It would make sense it happened then night it did, because that day I went to child support and settled for the amount of $323 a month.  When I asked about custody they said I won't get it because I didn't marry her.  The agent said he was 100% hers and I'd have to go to through a whole other process to gain some kind of custody.  Whether or not I'd ever see him would be soley her decision.  You would think paying child support would allow me some custody or at least visitation but not according to Georgia law.  Thus, I signed a paper to a sort of devil's advocate program.  Leaving the child support office, I felt like I lost him again.  No matter how hard I try, or what I do I can't ever catch a break with him.

  The conclusion was me texting his mother and telling her not to contact me any more because it seems like the more I'm there for her, the more I get into bad situations.  She consantly puts me down and says mean things and lies about me to everyone in her life.  I don't really care about that but I do care about is my son.  The last time when we were together, he kept calling me Pedro which made me think she is telling him to along with saying other things that are not true.  How am I suppost to be a father, when the mother hates me?  Hates me so much, she wishes I was dead and tells my son to call me Pedro.  Its because of this I made the decision to stay away from her and him.  I can't ever get ahead if she's always calling me harrassing me about her problems and bills.

  If you were to check phones, you would definitely see that she calls and text me first 95% of the time.   I don't want to but in order for me to get where I want to be in life I'm going to have to pay this child support and leave her and him alone.  It's hurting me and I know it hurts my son.  My best friend, Reggie told me something I'd never forget, "I know you want to be in his life now, but he is going to need you more later on in life because everything is provided for him now".

  I grew up with a father but he was a step-father who lived up to a step-father reputation.  He was mean most of the time but he had his nice moments.  In fact, I think Ill write a blog just for him.  2012 was one of my best years ever.  Maybe 2013, is going to be the worst.  Regardless I don't think it will be as good as the year 2012.  There's nothing more I want than to be apart of my son's life but it looks like that thought will have to wait.  I can't deal with her lies and deception anymore so my best bet is to just get ready for the future.  Maybe my son will forgive me maybe he won't but I have more than enough proof to show him I tried.  I never met my real father nor have ever seen him and I'd hate for him to go through that feeling.



  I had a dream once that I lost my son playing with him outside sort of like the way Tom Cruise did in Minority Report.  I woke up so scared I didn't scream because my stomach was stuck in like someone punched it.  When I get really scared that's what happens to my body.  My stomach caves in and I can barely talk.  It's not to often I get scared but sometimes my dreams seem like virtual reality.

  This year I don't know what to expect and my only option is to be ready for anything or anyone. 


Sincerely,
Prinze Marrero
 

My Last Prayer of 2012

   I’ve been to about 30 states and yet the most beautiful sunset I ever saw was in a place no one would guess.  Around 07:00, is when the sunsets in Ohio arise on I-80 East going towards Youngstown.  The air is mist and it feels like it just got through raining even though it hasn’t.  The 4 out of 5 times I went there I was able to see it.  The blue, pink, and red colors that fill the darkness so the light can shine to start the day.

  As I am driving, I find it hard to resist the temptation not to pull over and just enjoy it.  Instead, I look out and I make a silent prayer.  It is a prayer that looks over everyone special to me but not myself.

  “Thank you lord for waking my son up today and I pray to you today for his safety and happiness.  I hope today he thinks about me as I do him everyday.  For any sin he will make now or in the future bring it upon me, because I can take it.  I’d go to hell for him if it meant him going to heaven so continue to punish me and not him”.  –Prinze Marrero

  When I was 18, I came to a revelation that suggested that maybe life isn’t an accident but regardless if it is or isn’t, I’m not thankful for life.  I’m nobody special to the world and if I died to tomorrow, Id get lucky to even be considered yesterday’s news.  No matter how good I am to people, no matter who, I put first, and no matter how honest I am, nobody ever considers me.  Even with all my girlfriends, it seems I am last on every one's list. 

  Batman is a lone wolf and does not like the world.  He sacrifices himself because he does not value life.  He only cares to protect the value of life from the innocent.  In this sense, we are alike.  I forgot what my mother did, but during this time she was on my back all the time about every little thing.  I was an honor roll student and even so, she will still find the need to complain about everything I was doing.  Thus, the result of my thinking about my future and how much I just want to get away.

  During this time, I did have a girlfriend.  In a phone conversation I stated, “I don’t wish to die, I just don’t care to live, I’m not scared of it, nor do I fear it” and for some reason that bothered her.  She was very religious.  She was a going to church every Sunday kind of girl.  You would think someone like her would not try to commit suicide but upon braking up, but she did.  She survived taking too much pills and I decided it be best for us just to lose contact.

  Did I brake up with her or did she with me?  It was I who broke up with her because our views were different.  She was so in-love she would have put aside church for me and I can’t have that.  I believe in GOD just not religion.  I prefer to pray directly to him as though I do at that moment of sunrise in Ohio.  She didn't want to let me go but I needed her to move on.  The long distance relationship was making her sad and I care too much about her to hold on.  After 3 months of not talking, I let go and found another girlfriend but that's another story.  Although it was I who broke it off, I still pray for her well being because I know she genuinely loved me for me.

  Sometime in July of 2012, I get a Facebook message from a cousin I haven’t seen since I was about 10 yrs old.  At 10 years old, we met for like one day, and only said “hi” to each other.  I didn’t care to know her.  I was too much into video games at the time and was trying to hard to beat all my other boy cousins in Street Fighter 2.  Fast-forward 19 years later and a simple message on Facebook sparked a friendship I can’t even explain nor understand.

  Normally, I ignore people I don’t know who message me but for some reason her smile on her profile picture spoke to me.  She was snuggling with her daughter in her picture and it reminded me of my son.  So I text her the following morning, and from there we became the best of friends with maybe over 3000 texts exchange since.

  We are so much alike it makes me feel odd sometimes.  When we finally met I never felt so weird in my life.  “When I’m around her I get the sense of being with my son, and the feel of my mother when I was younger with just a touch of grandma’s sense of humor.  She has these hazel eyes that are hypnotic and a smile Michelangelo with an art’s degree couldn’t capture using a paintbrush or advanced 3D software.”

  My heart does beat a certain way for her.  It’s not really a romance type of feeling; it’s deeper than that because I don’t really think about being with her but more around her.  I just want to be in her presence.  No one has ever made me feel as special as she does.  It’s because of this I pray for her right after my son.

 “Where ever she is, whatever she is doing right now I wish her nothing but the best.  Look upon her because I cannot and may she find someone who loves her more than I.  May she have a good day today and if she does not please listen to her prayers, and whatever sins she may encounter graced them upon me…” I don’t say this all the time.  If I did I be a damn nut case!  However it various but it sounds like this most of the time.

  I pray for my girlfriend to and hope she is okay as well as my best’s friends Reggie, Edgar and my brother.  However, they get the cheap prayers because their guys.

 “Bless upon them and may you forgive them for their sins, AMEN!”

  A prayer to me is just wishful thinking but has deeper meaning when you do it for the people you genuinely love.  It’s easy to tell my son I love him but hard when it comes to everyone else.  I’m just starting to say it more to my cousin.  I know I love her because she is the only person I have EVER wanted to actually call and not text.  Its funny when I text her “I love you”, she replies, “love you more.”  I guess after reading this, everyone would think differently. 

   My whole life I felt like I cared about people more, which is a problem because I never think I am no ones priority-list.  I’m pretty sure my friends, and cousin don’t pray for me which ironic because they all go to church more than I do.  They will be the first to say I need to care more about life and not caring is a sin but what they don’t understand is that I care for them more than what’s considered a sin.

  I don’t wish to die so I don’t see what the problem is.  Forrest Gump said it right “Life is like a box of chocolate..”, either you will get something too sweet, too dark, or one that is just right.  I don’t know what 2013 has in store, but I hope the people who I do pray for stay in my life.  My best friend, Reggie is going to the Marines soon.  We haven’t talked in forever and he made me his daughter’s godfather so at times I feel bad I don’t call or update.  Then again, Facebook does all that for you even so there’s nothing like picking up the phone to call. As for Edgar and my brother, I do call them because they call me.  My relationships with them are the closest ever.

  “Merry Christmas” are words that I hate saying back for some reason because I’m always alone.  I’m never happy around this time so its no coincidence GOD finally gave me a break this year. What did I ask for? Just to be with my cousin because I knew seeing my son would be less possible. When I told her she text "ewww" which made me laugh.  I wanted to reply "so then you don't love me more" but I left it at that. Maybe she understands, maybe she doesn't but as long as she knows I care, that's all I can ask for.  I never been in-love so I know I don't love her like that.  Even so, it still feels weird that my best friend is my cousin. 

   Today is New Years Eve, and may this entry be my prayer, my last prayer for this year of 2012.

“This year is one of the best years to come in a long time, I don’t know what the future holds but I hope you consider it to be an experience for me.  One that will help me grow and understand life, as I do may those I mentioned in this entry be safe and have a good year as well.  They will always be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for finally giving me a break.” –In your loving sons name, Amen!

Letting The Negative Ones Go And Leaving The Positive Ones In

  Negative people are human beings that constantly bring you down.  They seem to interrogate a conversation just to specify what your doing. “Oh you need to do this”,” Your doing this the wrong way”, “your never make it”, or “just give it up”.  Negative people seem to have the answer when in reality 99% of the time it’s them that need advice or help.

  Positive people are people that love you and inspire you.  They encourage you no matter the consequences or results…

  Most of the people in urban areas would say they have more negative people than positive.  The truth be told it doesn’t matter where your from, how rich you are, or what race because everybody experiences it.  Family, so-called Friends, Neighbors, and Teachers can all be negative in some way.  This negativity changes are way of thinking, it changes our decisions, and paths of life.

  How many of you have positive people in your life?

  Isn’t a great feeling?

  To have someone there to inspire you, adore you, love you, and encourage everything you do just to see you be happy.

  Some of you get it from your parents, siblings, or friends.  However when it’s a negative outcome, it always hurts the most when it comes from these specific people.  If your mother says "you’ll never make it in that", how do you take that?  The person who gave you life doesn’t approve of your decision. 

  In 2009, a man walked into an LA Fitness center and shot a gun randomly in a room full of women.  In his online blogs, he posted his relationship with his mom wasn’t good, he got tired of seeing white women with black guys, and thought that women just didn’t like him.  The main reason why police think he did this was because his relationship between his mother was not good.

  This story was one I’d never forget because I don’t have a good relationship with my mother either. However, I could never do such a thing.  I hardly ever get the girl either but that doesn’t mean I’m going to take it out on everyone.  Even so, I could very much understand where he was coming from.  If there is one thing I have learned is that people are going to have their opinions.  Mother or not if they are negative in your life, let them go.

  I went for almost two years without talking to my mom and it didn’t hurt one bit.  “I keep the positive people in, and let the negative ones go”.  She doesn’t believe in nothing I do.  She pretends to agree just so you can be satisfied.  However, the number one reason for keeping her out is that she does not listen.  No matter the situation, No matter who’s it about, she will shake her head like she is listening.  Yet if you bring it up two days later, or a month later she’ll say “you didn’t tell me” or "you didn't say that".

  Growing up, I have had so-called haters.  I have had people call me ugly, tell me I can’t sing, and so on.  I have had negativity come from all aspects of people.  No matter what, I got through it by leaving the positive ones in.  Life is hard if no one is uplifting you so I took every little positive word and instilled it in my head.

  Not every girl thought I was cute, but some did.  So the ones that did, I kept in mind that not every girl is going to think I’m attractive.  For the people that said I couldn’t sing, I kept in mind that I’ve gotten standing ovations.  I also understood that I couldn’t be on key all day, 24/7.  I sang on the Internet when 56k was modern technology and got so many compliments.  My first website was just pictures of me, and I didn’t get 100’s of emails or comments but I got a few from ladies all around the world. The little things that count can be so much bigger if you just listen and focus more on the positives.

 

   I have a friend that always deals with this because subconsciously he wants everyone to like him.  He fears REJECTION! Who doesn’t?  My advice to him was that “you can’t save the world”.  Superman can save the world but that still does not mean everyone is going to respect him or like him.  In a sense, haters do exist to make us stronger.  Our weakness is truly dealing with it.  Either you will overcome it, or end up taking it out on others.  

  Your brain works very much like a battery.  You have negative terminals and positive terminals.  Do you know what happens when you jump start a car with the terminals mixed up?  The result is the same analogy you need to give your brain. So when you need a jump start, don't even consult the negative terminal. You don't even need to put it on the battery to jump it anyway right?  So when your feeling down, only consult the positive terminal, the positive people and leave the negative terminal, the negative people to the side.  The positive people who always keep you charged as though positive charging cables would a battery.  

  In conclusion, “You have to Let The Negative Ones Go, and Leave the Positive Ones In”.  This essential for a healthy way of thinking for your future decisions and life.

 

Sincerely,

Facebook.com/Prinze Marrero

 

 

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