I’ve been to about
30 states and yet the most beautiful sunset I ever saw was in a place no one
would guess.
Around 07:00, is when the
sunsets in Ohio arise on I-80 East going towards Youngstown.
The air is mist and it feels like it just
got through raining even though it hasn’t.
The 4 out of 5 times I went there I was able to see it.
The blue, pink, and red colors that fill the
darkness so the light can shine to start the day.
As I am driving, I
find it hard to resist the temptation not to pull over and just enjoy it. Instead, I look out and I make a silent
prayer. It is a prayer that looks over
everyone special to me but not myself.
“Thank you lord for
waking my son up today and I pray to you today for his safety and
happiness. I hope today he thinks about
me as I do him everyday. For any sin he
will make now or in the future bring it upon me, because I can take it. I’d go to hell for him if it meant him going
to heaven so continue to punish me and not him”. –Prinze Marrero
When I was 18, I
came to a revelation that suggested that maybe life isn’t an accident but
regardless if it is or isn’t, I’m not thankful for life. I’m nobody special to the world and if I
died to tomorrow, Id get lucky to even be considered yesterday’s news. No matter how good I am to people, no matter
who, I put first, and no matter how honest I am, nobody ever considers me. Even with all my girlfriends, it seems I am last on every one's list.
Batman is a lone
wolf and does not like the world.
He
sacrifices himself because he does not value life.
He only cares to protect the value of life from the
innocent.
In this sense, we are
alike.
I forgot what my mother did, but
during this time she was on my back all the time about every little thing.
I was an honor roll student and even so, she
will still find the need to complain about everything I was doing.
Thus, the result of my thinking about my
future and how much I just want to get away.
During this time, I
did have a girlfriend. In a phone
conversation I stated, “I don’t wish to die, I just don’t care to live, I’m not
scared of it, nor do I fear it” and for some reason that bothered her. She was very religious. She was a going to church every Sunday kind
of girl. You would think someone like
her would not try to commit suicide but upon braking up, but she did. She survived taking too much pills and I
decided it be best for us just to lose contact.
Did I brake up with
her or did she with me? It was I who
broke up with her because our views were different. She was so in-love she would have put aside church for me and I
can’t have that. I believe in GOD just
not religion. I prefer to pray directly
to him as though I do at that moment of sunrise in Ohio. She didn't want to let me go but I needed her to move on. The long distance relationship was making her sad and I care too much about her to hold on. After 3 months of not talking, I let go and found another girlfriend but that's another story. Although it was I who broke it off, I still pray for her well being because I know she genuinely loved me for me.
Sometime in July of
2012, I get a Facebook message from a cousin I haven’t seen since I was about
10 yrs old. At 10 years old, we met for
like one day, and only said “hi” to each other. I didn’t care to know her.
I was too much into video games at the time and was trying to hard to
beat all my other boy cousins in Street Fighter 2. Fast-forward 19 years later and a simple message on Facebook
sparked a friendship I can’t even explain nor understand.
Normally, I ignore
people I don’t know who message me but for some reason her smile on her profile
picture spoke to me. She was snuggling
with her daughter in her picture and it reminded me of my son. So I text her the following morning, and
from there we became the best of friends with maybe over 3000 texts exchange
since.
We are so much alike it makes me feel odd sometimes. When we finally met I never felt so weird in
my life. “When I’m around her I get the
sense of being with my son, and the feel of my mother when I was younger with
just a touch of grandma’s sense of humor.
She has these hazel eyes that are hypnotic and a smile Michelangelo with
an art’s degree couldn’t capture using a paintbrush or advanced 3D software.”
My heart does beat a certain way for her. It’s not
really a romance type of feeling; it’s deeper than that because I don’t really think about being with her but more around her. I just want to be in her
presence. No one has ever made me feel
as special as she does. It’s because of
this I pray for her right after my son.
“Where ever she is,
whatever she is doing right now I wish her nothing but the best. Look upon her because I cannot and may she
find someone who loves her more than I.
May she have a good day today and if she does not please listen to her
prayers, and whatever sins she may encounter graced them upon me…” I don’t say
this all the time. If I did I be a damn
nut case! However it various but it sounds
like this most of the time.
I pray for my
girlfriend to and hope she is okay as well as my best’s friends Reggie, Edgar
and my brother. However, they get the
cheap prayers because their guys.
“Bless upon them and
may you forgive them for their sins, AMEN!”
A prayer to me is
just wishful thinking but has deeper meaning when you do it for the people you
genuinely love. It’s easy to tell my
son I love him but hard when it comes to everyone else. I’m just starting to say it more to my
cousin. I know I love her because she
is the only person I have EVER wanted to actually call and not text. Its funny when I text her “I love you”, she
replies, “love you more.” I guess after
reading this, everyone would think differently.
My whole life I
felt like I cared about people more, which is a problem because I never think I
am no ones priority-list. I’m pretty
sure my friends, and cousin don’t pray for me which ironic because they all go
to church more than I do. They will be
the first to say I need to care more about life and not caring is a sin but
what they don’t understand is that I care for them more than what’s considered
a sin.
I don’t wish to die
so I don’t see what the problem is.
Forrest
Gump said it right “
Life is like a box of chocolate..”, either you will get
something
too sweet,
too dark, or one
that is just right.
I don’t know what 2013 has in store, but I
hope the people who I do pray for stay in my life.
My best friend, Reggie is going to the Marines soon.
We haven’t talked in forever and he made me
his daughter’s godfather so at times I feel bad I don’t call or update.
Then again, Facebook does all that for you
even so there’s nothing like picking up the phone to call. As for Edgar and my
brother, I do call them because they call me.
My relationships with them are the closest ever.
“Merry Christmas”
are words that I hate saying back for some reason because I’m always
alone. I’m never happy around this time
so its no coincidence GOD finally gave me a break this year. What did I ask for? Just to be with my cousin because I knew seeing my son would be less possible. When I told her she text "ewww" which made me laugh. I wanted to reply "so then you don't love me more" but I left it at that. Maybe she understands, maybe she doesn't but as long as she knows I care, that's all I can ask for. I never been in-love so I know I don't love her like that. Even so, it still feels weird that my best friend is my cousin.
Today is New Years
Eve, and may this entry be my prayer, my last prayer for this year of 2012.
“This year is one of the best years to come in a long time,
I don’t know what the future holds but I hope you consider it to be an
experience for me. One that will help
me grow and understand life, as I do may those I mentioned in this entry be
safe and have a good year as well. They
will always be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for finally giving me a
break.” –In your loving sons name, Amen!
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