My Last Prayer of 2012

   I’ve been to about 30 states and yet the most beautiful sunset I ever saw was in a place no one would guess.  Around 07:00, is when the sunsets in Ohio arise on I-80 East going towards Youngstown.  The air is mist and it feels like it just got through raining even though it hasn’t.  The 4 out of 5 times I went there I was able to see it.  The blue, pink, and red colors that fill the darkness so the light can shine to start the day.

  As I am driving, I find it hard to resist the temptation not to pull over and just enjoy it.  Instead, I look out and I make a silent prayer.  It is a prayer that looks over everyone special to me but not myself.

  “Thank you lord for waking my son up today and I pray to you today for his safety and happiness.  I hope today he thinks about me as I do him everyday.  For any sin he will make now or in the future bring it upon me, because I can take it.  I’d go to hell for him if it meant him going to heaven so continue to punish me and not him”.  –Prinze Marrero

  When I was 18, I came to a revelation that suggested that maybe life isn’t an accident but regardless if it is or isn’t, I’m not thankful for life.  I’m nobody special to the world and if I died to tomorrow, Id get lucky to even be considered yesterday’s news.  No matter how good I am to people, no matter who, I put first, and no matter how honest I am, nobody ever considers me.  Even with all my girlfriends, it seems I am last on every one's list. 

  Batman is a lone wolf and does not like the world.  He sacrifices himself because he does not value life.  He only cares to protect the value of life from the innocent.  In this sense, we are alike.  I forgot what my mother did, but during this time she was on my back all the time about every little thing.  I was an honor roll student and even so, she will still find the need to complain about everything I was doing.  Thus, the result of my thinking about my future and how much I just want to get away.

  During this time, I did have a girlfriend.  In a phone conversation I stated, “I don’t wish to die, I just don’t care to live, I’m not scared of it, nor do I fear it” and for some reason that bothered her.  She was very religious.  She was a going to church every Sunday kind of girl.  You would think someone like her would not try to commit suicide but upon braking up, but she did.  She survived taking too much pills and I decided it be best for us just to lose contact.

  Did I brake up with her or did she with me?  It was I who broke up with her because our views were different.  She was so in-love she would have put aside church for me and I can’t have that.  I believe in GOD just not religion.  I prefer to pray directly to him as though I do at that moment of sunrise in Ohio.  She didn't want to let me go but I needed her to move on.  The long distance relationship was making her sad and I care too much about her to hold on.  After 3 months of not talking, I let go and found another girlfriend but that's another story.  Although it was I who broke it off, I still pray for her well being because I know she genuinely loved me for me.

  Sometime in July of 2012, I get a Facebook message from a cousin I haven’t seen since I was about 10 yrs old.  At 10 years old, we met for like one day, and only said “hi” to each other.  I didn’t care to know her.  I was too much into video games at the time and was trying to hard to beat all my other boy cousins in Street Fighter 2.  Fast-forward 19 years later and a simple message on Facebook sparked a friendship I can’t even explain nor understand.

  Normally, I ignore people I don’t know who message me but for some reason her smile on her profile picture spoke to me.  She was snuggling with her daughter in her picture and it reminded me of my son.  So I text her the following morning, and from there we became the best of friends with maybe over 3000 texts exchange since.

  We are so much alike it makes me feel odd sometimes.  When we finally met I never felt so weird in my life.  “When I’m around her I get the sense of being with my son, and the feel of my mother when I was younger with just a touch of grandma’s sense of humor.  She has these hazel eyes that are hypnotic and a smile Michelangelo with an art’s degree couldn’t capture using a paintbrush or advanced 3D software.”

  My heart does beat a certain way for her.  It’s not really a romance type of feeling; it’s deeper than that because I don’t really think about being with her but more around her.  I just want to be in her presence.  No one has ever made me feel as special as she does.  It’s because of this I pray for her right after my son.

 “Where ever she is, whatever she is doing right now I wish her nothing but the best.  Look upon her because I cannot and may she find someone who loves her more than I.  May she have a good day today and if she does not please listen to her prayers, and whatever sins she may encounter graced them upon me…” I don’t say this all the time.  If I did I be a damn nut case!  However it various but it sounds like this most of the time.

  I pray for my girlfriend to and hope she is okay as well as my best’s friends Reggie, Edgar and my brother.  However, they get the cheap prayers because their guys.

 “Bless upon them and may you forgive them for their sins, AMEN!”

  A prayer to me is just wishful thinking but has deeper meaning when you do it for the people you genuinely love.  It’s easy to tell my son I love him but hard when it comes to everyone else.  I’m just starting to say it more to my cousin.  I know I love her because she is the only person I have EVER wanted to actually call and not text.  Its funny when I text her “I love you”, she replies, “love you more.”  I guess after reading this, everyone would think differently. 

   My whole life I felt like I cared about people more, which is a problem because I never think I am no ones priority-list.  I’m pretty sure my friends, and cousin don’t pray for me which ironic because they all go to church more than I do.  They will be the first to say I need to care more about life and not caring is a sin but what they don’t understand is that I care for them more than what’s considered a sin.

  I don’t wish to die so I don’t see what the problem is.  Forrest Gump said it right “Life is like a box of chocolate..”, either you will get something too sweet, too dark, or one that is just right.  I don’t know what 2013 has in store, but I hope the people who I do pray for stay in my life.  My best friend, Reggie is going to the Marines soon.  We haven’t talked in forever and he made me his daughter’s godfather so at times I feel bad I don’t call or update.  Then again, Facebook does all that for you even so there’s nothing like picking up the phone to call. As for Edgar and my brother, I do call them because they call me.  My relationships with them are the closest ever.

  “Merry Christmas” are words that I hate saying back for some reason because I’m always alone.  I’m never happy around this time so its no coincidence GOD finally gave me a break this year. What did I ask for? Just to be with my cousin because I knew seeing my son would be less possible. When I told her she text "ewww" which made me laugh.  I wanted to reply "so then you don't love me more" but I left it at that. Maybe she understands, maybe she doesn't but as long as she knows I care, that's all I can ask for.  I never been in-love so I know I don't love her like that.  Even so, it still feels weird that my best friend is my cousin. 

   Today is New Years Eve, and may this entry be my prayer, my last prayer for this year of 2012.

“This year is one of the best years to come in a long time, I don’t know what the future holds but I hope you consider it to be an experience for me.  One that will help me grow and understand life, as I do may those I mentioned in this entry be safe and have a good year as well.  They will always be in my thoughts and prayers. Thank you for finally giving me a break.” –In your loving sons name, Amen!